Things you only do when your drunk…

• Ask for extra-hot chilli sauce on your kebab
• Try and get off with your best mate's girlfriend
• Piss in your girlfriend's cupboard/out the window/anywhere except in the bathroom.
• Give a running commentary, out loud, on anything you do, even though you're alone (eg. ah'm gonna go into the kitschen, ah'm gonna get myshelf A beer, an' ah'm gonna drink it... thatsh whad am'm gonna do...etc.)
• Get a tattoo/try to tattoo yourself
• Use classy chat-up lines like: "You've got phemoninal...phemonim.....Great tits. Can I shag you?"
• Fall down open manholes
• Chuck up in the back of taxis
• Climb onto the roof of bus shelters - to get a better view of the stars, Man
• Pull a moonie
• Think it's really funny to put all your female flatmate's underwear In the freezer compartment
• Make "punch" out of half a bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, and Some Strongbow
• Drink it
• Get thrown out of a nightclub for taking all your clothes off
• Sing "Beers, beers, we want more beers, all the lads are cheerin', Get the fookin' beers in. Beers beers we want more beers" etc. To your Girlfriend's parents.
• Dance as if you are John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.
  And bump into things. And break them. And not give a flying f*** about it.
• Make yourself a delicious snack of English mustard on stale white bread
• Decide that the waste bin would look better on your head
• Fall asleep on the stairs, with your trousers around your ankles
• Decide to walk home, even though it's seven miles away
• Fall asleep in a bus shelter
• Fall asleep on the night bus and wake up at dawn, in the middle of nowhere, having had your shoes nicked
• Fall asleep with a pint glass full of water on your chest, and only spill it when you wake up in the morning
• Steal bottles of milk from doorsteps
• Order the hottest curry on the menu
• Ring up every woman in your address book at 2am and say, "Hi, I was just thinking about you. Maybe we should meet up. Now-ish..."
• Attempt to shag any woman who shows a passing interest in you
• Get into a fight with a taxi driver
• Say, "You're my best mate, you are", to people you've just met
• Decide that you and your ex-girlfriend really should be together
• Join the French Foreign Legion
• Make a bonfire of photos of your ex-girlfriend
• Get really emotional, put on the most morose record in your collection and weep about nothing in particular
• Dig out you photo albums, get even more emotional, ring up old friends who've moved abroad and tell them they're your best mate ever.
• Attempt to phone the Pope, the Queen, the Whitehouse, etc
• Make lots of inadvisable bets
• Thank cash machines